Happiness or Contentment?

I was overjoyed and am very appreciative of the amount of comments I received following the last article.  The interplay between heart and mind seems to be a salient subject for many of you readers, and it is a concept which has dominated the essence of my thoughts as of late.  Following suit, I will utilize these thoughts once again to explore two more words which are also related, yet commonly misconstrued or misused in their own way.  They presented themselves last week while discussing a client’s present and past, and his own pursuit of happiness.  In talking about his level of ‘happiness,’ I had him define ‘happiness’ and he found that it wasn’t as general a term (to this particular client and in this particular situation) as it is usually made out to be.  His definition relied solely on associations: with money, family, career, consistency, stability; so I questioned further.  I asked if this was his own definition, or the definition imposed on him by his environment.  The ensuing exploration of the term, an analysis of its depth, breadth, and relativity, and the conclusion that the word we were looking for was “contentment” will be elucidated in the following paragraphs.  I wish to thank that particular client for his insight and inspiration, without which this article would never have been typed.

 

Happiness means something different to each individual.  Generalizing a term such as this would be like gathering all people who hear or see things that most people don’t/can’t hear or see and calling them all schizophrenic.  Yet this is something that happens every day, and the ensuing false stereotypes and generalities make their way into the curricula of our children.  We have been taught to make this giant leap from subjective experience to the generalized whole, and we do it as a way to make sense of something we do not fully understand – and after all, we tend to fear that which we do not understand.  So this is a way to allay some of that fear.  Let’s associate happiness with what our parents tell us, with what our government tells us, with some generalized notion that implies only physical reinforcement.  Happiness is profit.  Happiness is financial or vocational stability and success.  Happiness is a loving, functional family.  Happiness is “having things.”

 

If these statements are true – and I assure you they are, at least to the majority – then happiness is fleeting.  Happiness comes and goes only conditionally.  It rears its beautiful face as a result of a good day at work, a raise, a purchase, the successful interaction or creation of immediate family, the receipt of a paycheck, etc.  My problem with this, though, is that it has to come and go.  The transient or short-lived aspect of happiness is analogous to the word ‘pleasure.’  In my experiences, pleasure is most commonly associated with sensual gratification.  This form of appreciation or gratification relies on the senses, the physical realm, the outer world that we can only smell, hear, see, touch, or taste, but not feel emotionally or mentally.  And we are all aware of how ‘fleeting’ the five senses can be.  The sound that makes me happy will surely end, just as the smell or taste of a food will leave shortly after eating.  And that is all okay, but if happiness and pleasure are fleeting then what are their counterparts?  What type of gratification is permanent?  Does it even exist?

 

I believe it does.  And keeping in mind this is only one man’s perspective, my belief is that contentment and joy are the other end of that spectrum.  Have you ever met someone that exuded contentment?  Sure, they appear happy and take pleasure in the subtlest of things, but there is something else.  There is an intangible quality of contentment that cannot be sensed physically.  It is absolutely felt, only not from being ‘touched’ but rather from being emotionally and nonverbally communicated.  Joy is similar.  If pleasure is the mind’s way of communicating happiness, joy is when the heart and mind are happy in unison- only this is not what we call happiness, but rather, contentment.

 

Contentment cannot be described in linguistic terms.  It is an intrinsic quality that emanates from one’s very soul and has to be experienced to be truly understood.  Contentment is grounding, acceptance, and non-judgment.  It keeps you centered when you are working in extremes and allows you to see the beauty of the big picture when the moment is bringing nothing but pain.  It is not a state of mind, but a state of heart, a state of being.  Contentment cannot be pursued, it can only ensue.  It ensues when you embrace your heart, your passions, and your emotions.  This does not mean you should avoid pleasure, but just a reminder that sensual gratification is fleeting, while inner peace is permanent.  A pleasurable experience is controlled by outside forces, pending the object/environment and the resulting emotional energy.  A joyful experience is controlled from within, and depends on nothing but oneself and one’s ability to bring their perspective to every situation they may encounter.

 

Again, this is one man’s perspective and is not absolute truth.  My experiences have taken me to these conclusions and I share them with you as a form of insight and hopefully as inspiration too.  In closing, however, I open the floor to my readers: Do you agree with this assessment of wordplay?  Also, if you agree with my explanation/associations but disagree with my word usage, what words would better describe the intrinsic experience of contentment?

Heart and Mind

Recently, both my personal and professional lives have been confounded by a very personal, yet omnipresent dynamic – the interplay between heart and mind.  I will not go into too much detail, but the personal experience centers on vulnerability and the tendency of the mind to overpower the heart so as not to risk being emotionally hurt.  Professionally, I had a client last week who asked a simple, straightforward question that is everything but simple and straightforward, “How do I get out of my head and into my heart?”   I sat silent and pensive; equally intrigued and perplexed.  What an amazing question… how does one get out of their head and into their heart?  Is there any direct route or generalized “right way” of doing so?  I was unable to answer the client’s question at the time, and am still unable to do so.  What I can do is offer my best perspective and provide a personal anecdote from which we might be able to generalize. I would also like to ask any and all of my readers to comment on how they have managed to discern ‘heart’ from ‘mind’ in their own lives.

 

It seems simple; if you are thinking, then you are coming from the mind.  If you are feeling, you are coming from the heart.  But where is the tangible difference?  How can we make sense of something so personal, so subjective, so esoteric?  We make sense of it by increasing our awareness of it.  This takes time and practice, and even the most seasoned monk or meditative expert will have difficulty managing this awareness 24/7.  I will attempt to elucidate my point through a personal anecdote.

 

I love classical music.  To use the word ‘love’ implies that I feel a certain way toward that type of music.  But how do I know that feeling?  I know I love it because when I listen to it, I smile without thinking of smiling.  I know I love it because when a symphony reaches its crescendo I well up with tears of joy without first thinking about crying.  I know I love it because when I listen to it only one word permeates my thoughts: YES.  But here we have come full circle.  I have used a thought (the word ‘yes’) to explain a feeling (love).  It seems contradictory.  But I never said the two are not interrelated because they most decidedly are.  Thought can be a very powerful tool.  But, as has been proven throughout history, powerful tools can lead to both positive and negative conclusions.  How one chooses to utilize this powerful tool we call ‘mind’ is up to each individual.  Do you choose to live solely within your mind?  Do you choose to let thought overpower feeling?  Or, perhaps most effectively, do you first follow your instincts, gut, or feeling, and then pursue those urges as realistically as possible with the rationale and logic that can only stem from the mind?

 

The mind seems much simpler to explain.  If you think something, you use your mind.  If you find yourself rationalizing, hesitating, becoming anxious, it is because your thoughts are at work.  But we come full circle again when we notice that the power of thought helps to create a feeling (in the aforementioned sentence, the feeling was anxiety).  Here is an example: If I am sad because a girl told me she doesn’t like me, I will not become happier just by embracing the feeling or increasing my awareness of it.  I must use my mind to create a new reality.  I would tell myself, “It was not meant to be.  There are plenty of other girls.  I am still a great person and this does not change that.”  I must control my thoughts and use them as a tool to create new feelings and new happiness.  Hence, we once again come to the interplay between the heart and the mind.

 

After writing this I feel that there is no ‘right’ way to answer my client’s question.  It would be impossible to answer because the mind and the heart do not work as separate mechanisms.  I do now know if I believe somebody can truly leave their thoughts and totally embrace their feelings, because to embrace something you must understand it, and to understand implies you have put words and associations to it, which come from the mind.  The concepts are reciprocal and feed off of one another and, in doing so, help that third party (the soul) to grow and grow.

 

But is there a way to increase awareness of one over the other?  Is there a way to discern between what the heart says and what the mind says?  That is the question I pose to the reader…

 

 

 

 

Anything but the Truth

Anything but the Truth

 

There is a question that the average human being avoids on a daily basis: Who am I?  I believe the majority of people cannot comfortably answer this question.  Sure, you can tell me “I am a sister” or “I am a father” or “I am a great friend,” but is that really you, or is that simply ‘you in relation to someone or something else?’  Fortunately for you (but moreso for me), we will not be answering this question in this article.  We will, however, be assessing its relativity and importance.  This may seem a little more philosophical or existential than my average post, but it has been eating away at me since I asked this question to a client recently.  And yes, as I’m sure you guessed, this client could not answer the question.  He did, however, provide an honest response.  Luckily, I have worked with him long enough to instill the fact that “a lie will get you nowhere in treatment.”  So he did the unthinkable, he spoke three words that even the most self-assured person would avoid stating at all costs.  He said, “I don’t know.”  I smiled wide and expressed a very sincere ‘thank you’ for his honesty, and that particular session ended there.  His homework was to come back the following week with some form of answer.

 

So now I pose this question to you.  It seems ridiculous and almost inane to even pose this question to the reader, but necessary nonetheless – one of the most patronizing, unanswerable, and confounding questions of our time: Who are you? 

 

Is it really that bad, though?    When I think about this question, I relate it closely with another antagonizing question: Why?  It is one of those questions a therapist is trained not to ask so as not to irk the client, a question that automatically evokes the thought of a child inciting noticeable frustration in a parent through its repetition.  I associate these two confounding and obnoxious questions because they share a commonality: their answers come from within.  To know who you are is to look inside and know what truly makes you happy (I am not talking monetarily happy or pleasure-seeking happy, but the kind of happy that elicits tears of joy and lasts for more than a fleeting second).  To know why is to look within and understand the entire process that led up to whatever word or deed.  It takes time, thought, and energy – gifts that we have come to take for granted in a country that is crowned by immediate gratification (“Instant America” – as I like to call it).  We, as a society, do not look within; and this, herein, resides our issue with and avoidance of these questions.

 

We seek without – we seek riches, video games, drugs, objects, houses, plastic surgeries, cars, toys, sex, electronics, etc.  But why do we seek without?  We seek without because they are distractions.  We distract ourselves from ourselves because if we truly stopped, looked inward and embraced what we saw, we would not be happy with what we found: greed, ego, selfishness, exploitation of others to name a few.  This might actually be the reason for the advent of solitary confinement as the worst form of punishment within the prison system.  It forces the prisoner to look inward, to see who they really are without the possibility of distraction.  No entertainment, no drugs, no distraction; just you, yourself, your soul, your heart, and your mind.  Is it any wonder that isolation often brings about intense change in character (for either better or worse)?  You are forced to look at yourself in the mirror, yet without an actual mirror and without the freedom of deception.

 

In my experience thus far (with clients, friends, family, etc) I have come to realize that, in general, human beings have lost their sense of who they are – the “why” behind ‘doing what they do.’  I, myself, cannot truly tell you why I do half of the things I do.  I am guilty of this personal ignorance as well.  And that is the point of this article – personal ignorance.  When we are ignorant or oblivious as to the reason behind our being and actions, we lose our sense of purpose.  We lose sight of our direction.  Complacency becomes normalcy and eventually leads to stagnation.  Why is stagnation a bad thing?  I’ll tell you: because no one has ever been the greatest version of themselves while remaining stagnant.  One of my favorite quotes is “Life begins on the edge of your comfort zone.”  We must always be striving, always be learning, always be searching for that better version of the self that we know exists somewhere within us.  And it is our distractions that keep us from fighting for that greater version of the self.

 

Everyone’s distractions are unique to them, just as everyone’s learning experiences are also unique to them.  What instills a lesson in one will not necessarily instill that same lesson in another.  What works for one does not always work for the other.  It is due to these personal differences that we must get in touch with ourselves; to step outside the commonly accepted, material lifestyle that is plagued by personal ignorance.  Do you even know what works for you?  Do you know the experiences from which you have learned the most?  Do you know who you are while simultaneously envisioning a grander version of yourself?  Ask yourself these questions.  The answers might surprise you or they might not.  They might lead to change, might take you out of your comfort zone, or they may not.  But I repeat and guarantee this: no one has ever been the greatest version of themselves while remaining stagnant.  Distractions keep you stagnant.  Drugs keep you stagnant.  Apathy, selfishness, material possessions all keep you stagnant – perhaps not physically, but mentally and spiritually stagnant.  And stagnation ensues when we fail to look inside ourselves.  It is personal awareness and the striving for more that will allow you to truly interconnect all the aspects of the miraculous, complex, multi-faceted organism you are, and utilize this formulated whole to catapult you into greatness.

 

Beauty in Simplicity – Opportunity for Appreciation

There is a wondrous beauty in simplicity that we, as a people, have come to overlook.  I see it in my clients, I see it in my own life and that of my friends and family, and I am reminded of it every time I spend a moment with nature.  As a psychoanalyst I have been taught about the “complexities of the human mind” and the infinite possibilities from which a dysfunction or pathology might arise.  The truth, however, is always much simpler than we make it.  One’s truth is what they feel, and when that person either chooses to veer from or is forced away from what they feel (by a parent, a government, peer pressure, etc.), disharmony rears its ugly head – most often in the form of unhappiness, but sometimes as mental illness.    

How is it that anyone who is in touch with nature is almost always a less stressed person than their counterpart?  Why is it that we find unwittingly positive correlations between contentment and those who can appreciate the subtleties of life (sunsets, flowers, human interaction, etc.)?  I’ll tell you why.  It’s because those who appreciate the lesser will always have more.  Let me say that again because it is of utmost import if you truly choose to be happier in your current form: those who appreciate the lesser always have more. 

In a reality where everything is relative – and I mean EVERYTHING – lesser has differing connotations for everyone.  To a homeless man, lesser is not having food off of which to live; to a lower class citizen, that same lesser is not having a spoon with which to eat the food you have; to the middle class citizen, that lesser is epitomized by side items, dessert, and company with whom you can eat; and to an upper class citizen that lesser is denoted by not having silverware made of actual silver, or not having a world-class chef by whom your food can be prepared.  Regardless of your relative perspective, I tell you this: it is that homeless and lower class citizen who has much more opportunity to appreciate than the rest of the lot.  

I choose this statement carefully because “opportunity” is the most important word.  Just because opportunity is there does not automatically infer that the person will jump on it.  I have encountered numbers of homeless in NYC who are downright rude, unappreciative, and even insulting if they receive pocket change instead of a one dollar bill.  But my statement stands true in that they at least have the relative perspective from which to appreciate that pocket change, whereas most others do not.  This relativity can be applied to even the wealthiest of beings, though.  As always, most of life is a choice and you can either choose or choose not to indulge in more or less material pleasure.  When you decide to utilize material pleasures as a reward, a perk, rather than requirements; as wants rather than needs – then you will learn to appreciate rather than to overlook them. 

This beauty in simplicity is something of which we need to constantly be reminded.  We live within a complex society – complex in our beliefs, complex in our jobs, our technology, our interactions and our relationships (oh yes, especially in relationships – how many single people do you know who “play the game” and don’t return a call or a text just to instill insecurity in the other and power within the self?).  Life does not need to be this way, but we make it this way.  This is our reality because this is what we are taught.

 I wrote a previous article on dichotomy – about the inability to experience something in the absence of its opposite.  Because we are so adept at accepting the reality with which we’re provided, we lose sight of the other possibilities, other realities.  Step into that other, that lesser reality if only for a moment and watch your appreciation for your current reality blossom like it hasn’t in years.  You will see things anew.  You will see beauty within the simplicity, but be reminded of the beauty in the complex as well – a beauty you have come to take for granted.  Step into nature.  Go camping, live frugally, forego using a tv or a computer for one week.  Not only will you find enjoyment in the smaller things, but you will remind yourself of the greatness and miracle of the complex things as well.  This dichotomy is necessary for appreciation.  And anyone who is happy can tell you that appreciation is necessary for true happiness.

Sharing as Giving – A Prisoner’s Perspective

As a mental health counselor who works with parolees, probation and pre-trial clients, I’ve heard countless anecdotes depicting the horrors of prison life.  And as it is with most daunting experiences, there are lights within these perceivably “dark” experiences.  I make it a point to assume a nonjudgmental and unconditionally positive stance toward my clients (which is utterly necessary for any therapist, regardless of the type of client), and to do so I have to find these shining lights, these redeeming qualities – however bright or dim.

To do this I often ask a particular question regarding their time in prison: “How did you keep your sanity, or more pointedly, how did you maintain the goodness I see inside you while stuck in such a “bad” environment?”  The answers elicit such emotion that clients sometimes decline to answer, in which case I revisit the question once a more trusting relationship has been established.  Oftentimes, though, a response comes forth immediately; and the stories’ premises never fail to relate to altruism.  In this piece, I will depict some of these experiences – some of the ways in which incarcerated persons maintain their humanism.

As I cannot relate specific stories because I am not willing to even broach the possibility of breaking a client’s confidentiality and trust, I will speak generally and report the patterns found in many of their experiences – one of which is giving.  All too often I hear of a client who, citing only his instinct and innate desire, began to attend drug and alcohol groups.  The groups are basic and designed to allow for the sharing of experiences so others can empathize and allow the user to express their truth; all the while inferring to the other group members that they are not alone in their addictions.  The “giving” or “sharing” of one’s truth is a most powerful facet of group treatment.  Clients tell me all the time that these groups allowed them to “remain human to some extent.”  They all have also expressed to me that it was not the group or the treatment itself, but this “sharing” of experiences that brought them all together, that united them.  This “unity” factor is another important subject which relates strongly to altruism and human nature, and one of which I will speak in future blogs.

Another common factor relating to prisoners’ happiness is solitude.  The worst punishment a prisoner can get is not physical, but mental punishment.  Some of you have heard it referred to as “the hole,” others as “solitary confinement.”  It is rare for any prisoner to completely avoid the hole because at one point or another during one’s incarceration, standing up for oneself becomes a necessity, even though any violence or aggression is not permitted.  Unfortunately, it is similar to the “school bully” situation in which he will continue to pick on you unless you stand up to him, and often this one instance of “standing up for oneself” leads to some time in solitary.  In my career thus far, I have yet to encounter a client who speaks highly of solitary confinement: intense boredom, complete lack of interaction, rereading the same books over and over, etc.; one can imagine the other pitfalls of such isolation.  The interesting point often made during the relating of these isolative experiences, though, is that the prisoner realizes just how necessary human interaction can be – just how happy a small conversation can make somebody feel.  I may be reading into this or I may not, but the “sharing” of one’s life with another is an act of giving in itself.  The giving of one’s experiences and thoughts is an altruistic behavior on its own accord.  The clients themselves state that, even though they’re locked up with people who they primarily abhor, they’d rather be interacting and sharing the experience than going through it alone.  This facet of human nature cannot be overlooked and should not be taken for granted.

The last item I wish to address in this article relates to teaching.  Not as commonly told as the first two stories, but still reported by many of my clients regarding the average prison environment is the concept of teaching.  All too often I have heard a client state that they “taught someone a skill” or “taught someone to defend himself” while stuck in that rut of an environment.  The stories have mostly applied to situations between roommates or prisoners of similar ethnic backgrounds, but the “giving” is present nonetheless.

As with the first two situations, the teaching of a particular skill helps a new prisoner to better adjust to their new environment.  While the acclimation process can be a harrowing one, both the teacher and student benefit from the sharing of knowledge and installation of peace of mind.  What it comes down to is this, “What you give to another, you give to yourself.”  In other words, make someone else happy, and you too will become happy.  Give someone else greater peace of mind (especially in a place as shocking to the senses as prison) and you too will increase your peace of mind.  Clients relate these experiences as if they are commonplace and not worth the mention or the time it takes to divulge the experience, but the truth is that they are beautiful and telling.  They are lights that, however dim, can carry oneself through the darkness unscathed.  Any such feats should never go unnoticed or unreported because they exude the truth that we are, by our very nature, a giving and truly altruistic species.

Thank you kindly to any and all of my clients who have inspired me by sharing these experiences.  Through the retelling of the stories we can continue to inspire others and help people to find their own lights in the dark.

Reinventing the Wheel in Therapy

Like a car driving through dense fog, therapy is often a blind path presenting only the few feet in front of you.

For this metaphor, think of the therapist as the car’s GPS – he/it knows the path, dictates the best course – but cannot and will not relieve the driver of their responsibility.  I wrote the basis for this quote after a session on Thursday in which a client decided not to complete a particular homework assignment.  I explained to him/her that, while they might not see the meaning of the assignment at the present moment, it would nonetheless assist them in reaching their destination – even if it led him/her to emotional discomfort.  I suddenly felt like a school teacher who cannot get their students to do any homework for lack of insight into how it truly purports the learning process.  The client required an explanation for the task, and I would not provide one.  In elucidating the explanation I would be compromising both the healing process and experiential learning process required to bring true insight and catharsis.

The session opened up a world of frustration inside me and, as is usually the case with these blogs, forced me to look inward.  I spent some time at my desk just staring at a progress note and came upon another truth: Therapy is the process of stepping outside your comfort zone.  I titled the article “reinventing the wheel” because that is exactly what we must do in session.  We have to unlearn the habits that have led us to consistently repress and “sweep under the rug” any emotion, thought, or intuition we deem uncomfortable.  All of these uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and intuitions are our truth.  And, disregarding any religious affiliation, the truth will undoubtedly set us free.

Society teaches us to be polite, but I ask that the client be blunt.  Society teaches us to quell any uncomfortable, intense emotion, but I ask that the client gets it out immediately.  Society even teaches us to ignore our intuition and rely on logic in making our daily choices, but I often find myself asking clients to “go with their gut” – granted, I will make sure to explore the consequences (good and bad) of following one’s gut because it can and often does lead to unwanted conclusions.

Unlearning our habits is very difficult.  It takes an inordinate amount of trust in something or someone to even contemplate leaving our state of “normalcy.”  This is why a therapist must build an unwaveringly trusting relationship with any client before attempting to guide them outside of their comfort zone.  It is necessary to remember that most clients see as if through the fog – only a few feet in front of them – and it is too often we hear of GPS devices that have accidentally led people into a ditch or a lake.  One of the most valuable assets a therapist provides is the objective perspective, the bird’s-eye view of the client’s situation, the overhead map.  Without reliability and trust (just as it is in our GPS devices) the client will not be willing to step outside of their comfort zone, unlearn their habits, and heed the most effective course of treatment… for fear of driving into a lake.

Jordan M. Nacht, M. A.

Fist Light Psychological

Cell – (954) 614 – 9943

Finding Contentment in Contradiction

{Before writing this I want to recognize the inspiration behind this particular article.  It was a reader who commented on my second blog.  He brought the gist of this passage to my attention when he so poignantly asserted the fact that negativity, sadness, anger, etc. are absolutely necessary because, without them, we could not experience any good, any love, or positivity.  Another word for this would be “duality,” or “dichotomy.” Barring this concept, we finally begin to explore and, god-willing, benefit from the oft-understated law of relativity.  The truth being that we cannot realistically experience something in the absence of its opposite.}

Living as we do, logic pervades everyday experience.  Disagree if you like, but you would be the minority.  We try to explain, rationalize, understand, and associate any of our perspectives based on logic, thought, and the mind.  But while logic says that two contradictory truths cannot exist within the same parameters, life itself says otherwise.  Oh yes, logic in theory makes sense, and it seems to hold fast in the classroom (where we are taught rote theory and rarely ever broach the subject of applying those theories), but the application of the theory is rendered moot all because of that little thing we call ‘perspective.’  For example, rain can be good or bad, pending the perspective of either the crop-raising farmer or the child playing outside in the sand.  Even a terminal illness can be good or bad, pending the perspective of the person who either decides to let it consume and ruin their life or the person who chooses to live every day thenceforth as if it were their last – improving both their relationships and appreciation towards every minute experience.  The examples are infinite because, as we all eventually learn, perspective is as infinite as the universe itself.

When I refer to perspective, I infer dichotomy: yin and yang, black and white, good and evil, etc.  Whatever truth you think you can rely on, rest assured that somewhere – maybe near, maybe far – there is a person whose “unwavering truth” contradicts yours.  A horrific, yet salient example would be the devout religious adhering to the commandment “Thou shall not kill.”  Place one of them in a situation where their child rests in the balance and, given no other choice, they will kill.  Their truth is rendered obsolete because of a crazed maniac who kidnapped their child.  Their world is turned literally upside-down, their perspective rotates completely, and they can either accept that truth is relative, or maintain their previous notions of “truth” and mentally and spiritually suffer for the rest of their life.  As always, it is their choice whether to maintain their previous doctrine or to change, to adapt.

I stated before that this concept is necessary, and I stand by that statement.  If everything and everyone on the planet only exhibited ‘good deeds,’ would we truly be able to learn anything?  This is the concept of which I speak.  One of the only truths I can rely on:  Divine Dichotomy – everything that is, has an “is not.”  Without death, we would not cherish life.  Without pain, we would not appreciate joy.  Joy would simply “be” and, as has been proven over and over again in my own and most of my cohorts’ experiences – familiarity breeds contempt.

Following the lead of my previous posts, I will relate these words to my therapeutic experiences.  My favorite quotes to use in session – “Life begins on the edge of your comfort zone,” and “If you are uncomfortable, it’s because we are making great progress” – display this point beautifully.  There is no catharsis in comfort and no comfort in real catharsis.  We must step outside of our routine and experience the either the opposite or something close to what we “think” we want, of what society and even loved ones often tell us to want.  A patient of mine once complained that he and his father never spoke and had a terrible relationship, but was able to rationalize his complaint by delineating all of his father’s negative traits.  So instead of simply asking “why,” I first told him a story about a man who had a similar problem, albeit in the opposite sense.  He and his father had a great, communicative relationship, but the man in the story ignored this and took it for granted.  He was never able to appreciate his father’s presence until his father had passed on.  By then, it was too late.  The client took a moment and eventually discussed with me the realization that either end of the spectrum can be a dysfunctional setting.  From there, we assessed together that there is no true “middle” of the spectrum on which to balance because if there were, and someone were to reach it, life would get very dull very quickly.  We are all constantly switching our sides of the “contentment spectrum” depending on our day, our encounters, our environment, and it takes a little discontent to balance our inner peace.  Imagine your contentment as a see-saw: if you were only ever happy or elated, the positive side of the see-saw would tip in one direction, eventually resting on the ground – boring, unmoving, and without any possibility of balance or appreciation.

While this post is certainly one of the more esoteric or philosophical articles I will write, I hope the point is taken that ‘good’ cannot be experienced if ‘bad’ is never experienced.  This reminder can help – hence the writing of the article – especially in times of struggle and misery.  And barring one of my personal truths that one cannot change that which he will not accept, this dichotomous thinking is a step in the direction of that acceptance.  It is all necessary, and it is all beautiful… pending your acceptance of the fact that ‘contradiction is a universal truth.’

You Cannot Give That Which You Do Not have

It is Monday night, April 11^th, and I am sitting at the desk in my office.  I began to recall an event during session when a light bulb flickered in my mind.  A client who had successfully stopped using drugs spoke passionately about entering the world of substance abuse counseling to repay this good deed which was done unto him.  Had the light bulb shone brilliantly, it would not have taken over an hour to spit out this second article.  The thought was quickly jotted down in my notes and I returned to the moment (yes, even therapists in private practice lose focus, whether they admit to it or not).  Luckily, my ten-second foray into ego-centered thought did not distract or interrupt the flow of therapy, and my mind returned in time to absorb more of this client’s aspiration to inspire others the way he had been inspired, to be truly altruistic.  The note I jotted down was as follows: ‘client beams when he speaks of giving back; client not as vibrant before mentioning such selflessness.’  As a therapist, I look for patterns.  It is now three consecutive weeks that my client’s mood improved upon the mere mention of giving.  He said nothing of money, reward, personal gain, or anything of the sort.  It was inferred that he would undoubtedly benefit by benefiting others, and this experience inspired me to write my second article….

I recently read a series of books by Neale Donald Walsch and came across some fantastic philosophy – the “Be-Do-Have” paradigm – http://www.cwg.org/.  It offers a unique perspective on how society tends to view its pursuit of happiness.  I think you would all agree that the majority of the world believes you need to have something (money) in order to do something (spend it, buy things, have freedoms), which allows you to finally be something (happy).  This series of books, however, purports the idea that we have it all wrong, and the truth resides in just the opposite: you must first be happy, only then can you ‘do’ happy (make a joke or a complement, elicit a smile), and you will reap whatever ‘reward’ (money, inner peace) you truly desire.

In examining this opposite – that you need to first be, then do, and in turn will have – another of the writer’s ideas came in to play: you cannot give anything to another unless you already have it. I cannot give you a dollar if I do not have one.  I cannot give you a complement if I don’t first recognize the complementary trait in you and form that thought in my head.  It must follow that I certainly cannot incite smiles and happiness in others if I, myself, am miserable!  The conclusion, then, is clear: when down in the dumps, muster all your strength, patience, and wit to put a smile on another’s face.  After all, how can you be giving happiness to another if you, yourself, are not happy?  It’s almost as if you are faking your brain into believing it is happy, but assuming your beliefs dictate your reality, you become happy.

Some might argue that this would not work.  I urge, nay, I DARE you to heed this advice the next time you are depressed, sad, angry, or embracing any of the other emotions we deem negative.  Granted, I’d be hypocritical to not acknowledge the fact that all truth is relative, and what works for one person may not work for another.  There are, however, new scientific discoveries linking altruism to happiness, to a tangible release of dopamine.  These studies also argue in favor of the fact that we are all hard-wired to be altruistic, and I encourage the reader to visit a friend’s blog -http://altruhelp.wordpress.com/ – which advertises some of this research.  I use the word “advertise” on purpose because, after all, my friend and I are both “selling” the idea of altruism.  There are, however, two explicit differences between our sale of happiness and that of your average product’s vendor: ours is free, and everyone who buys our product both receives its benefits and instills its benefits in another.

Some might call me crazy to assume that the majority of the planet desires happiness.  In fact, from the view of a visiting extraterrestrial it may even appear as though we choose to be both violent and miserable, but I do not believe this to be so.  Again, it would be obtuse to intimate that all people desire happiness.  What is right for one is not necessarily right for another.  I do, however, believe with all my heart that deep down everyone wants to be happy in their own way.  The hard part is creating one’s own definition of happiness, because only then can they pursue it.   In closing, I ask the reader not only to attempt the aforementioned ‘quick fix’ for discontent, but to also declare your own definition of happiness.  In the absence of this declaration, how can you truly know what to pursue?  It is my belief that society puts upon us a particular definition of contentment, and it is also my belief that this definition has led to an increasing and inordinate amount of mental illness and substance abuse.  Perhaps we are pursuing the wrong type of happiness, and this has led to the inherent dysfunction seen in every class – including the elite.

Jordan M. Nacht, Mental Health Counselor
First Light Psychological
Farmingdale, NY
Cell - (954)-614-9943

Changing the World Through Altruism – One Deed at a Time

“The high is better than heroine” – Anonymous client, re: giving his time to others

As a therapist who works in a private practice, I have encountered the mentally ill and substance abusers in the guise of convicted felons, parolees, average joes, and the elite.  Being out of grad school for only eight months, I am already beginning to reap the rewards of the interaction commonly referred to as “The therapeutic relationship.”  Many clients have inadvertently inspired me in a way I never thought they would, and have done so through the sharing of their selfless experiences.  Now, assuming generalizations from the specifics of each client’s case would be like bringing together thirty differing instruments of varying make, tone, pitch, and intensity to create harmony.  Yet, somehow it works.  To some conductors it just makes sense, and the end result is often an orchestra exuding such power and such awe-inspiring beauty that it can bring tears to the human eye.  If I am this conductor, my clients’ experiences are those instruments, and the harmonious, awe-inspiring product is the conclusion that each of their cathartic experiences shares a common bond – altruism.

And this is what I intend to do in these blogs – to bring together the numerous experiences of the therapy-engaging individual and explore the healing power of selflessness.  So, not only have I just begun a paragraph with the word “and” (which, mind you, is grammatically acceptable under emphatic circumstances), but I am also about to make one of those generalizations that scientists often abhor: replace your fear, anxiety, or drug of choice with altruism, and reap the intrinsic benefits.

The term ‘benefit’ is used hesitantly because, by definition, an altruistic person neither seeks nor desires any reward.  These “rewards,” though, present themselves nonetheless; in the form of contentment, inner peace, or any other endorphin-eliciting word you wish to insert.  This is not to say that my clients are all clean, avoiding relapse, and righting the wrongs they have enacted in their drug-induced stupor.  What I am saying is that there is a common thread amongst those who have found happiness outside of their addictions, and this binding factor can inevitably be traced to altruistic roots.

It is obvious there is a correlation between the successful cessation of a drug addiction and altruism.  The questions about the nature or even the causal factors of their cathartic relationship, though, may never be clearly understood.  Regardless, the result is divine, inspirational, and real.  I cannot deny that the relationship exists because it presents itself each week in my hourly sessions, and that is what I am here to both describe and openly explore.  I wish to inspire others as my clients have inspired me.  If the world could so much as glimpse the true happiness and natural high that my clients express to – and, in turn, elicit in – me, perhaps altruism or selflessness could take an even greater step forward in the hearts of man and help to ignite unity and peace in a world where violence, hatred, and fear permeate our very core.

I intend each week to explore different facets and presentations of altruism in the clinical setting: its causes, its effects, the elements behind its transformational power, and its unwavering presence amidst the healing process in both the mentally ill and substance abusing patient.  I invite you to comment and join me in this venture because, truthfully, I do not have the answers.  What works for one person may not necessarily work for another.  It takes creativity and self-control to even begin this healing process.  Theories will be conjured and assessed, experiences will be shared and explored, and readers will undoubtedly be inspired to ‘pay it forward.’  The application of our discussions, however, is up to the individual.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Ghandi

Jordan M. Nacht, Mental Health Counselor
First Light Psychological
Farmingdale, NY
Cell - (954)-614-9943